Any day now, I expect to be hit with spam from a China consultant who is selling his services to foreign-invested enterprises here to help them prepare their operations for the coming pandemic.

The consultant, I assume, will be selling in-house training to management and the HR team, will be more than happy to speak to regional and/or home country HQ (provided that travel expenses are paid up front), and will be available to assist personnel to develop an in-house checklist and manual for proper pandemic response.

The spam email will no doubt start off with some scary statistics about the “global pandemic” that might be coming (wink wink) and the catastrophic liabilities (nudge nudge) that await any company foolish enough to not prepare in advance.

My tip to anyone receiving one of those emails: just for fun, ask the consultant to provide a list of other pandemics the consultant has dealt with in the past, not including SARS (everyone will have that one on their “deal list”).

I can see it now:

1. Developed training seminar for Starbucks baristas (“How to Handle Sneezes and Coughs While Steaming Milk”).

2. Assisted IBM with herpes education film for Asia workforce (“No, You’re Not Being Paranoid, That Isn’t a Blister or Pimple”).

3. Created in-house policy guidelines on proper spitting techniques for Beijing Municipal Transportation Committee. Responsible for adoption of 2007 “Any flat surface is fine as long as there is not a person occupying it” expectoration policy for bus and subway employees.

Price? Well, you can’t put a price on the well-being of your staff, can you now? That being said, I’m sure that the fees will range from USD 10,000 to 25,000, depending on the size of the client.

These guys have to keep busy during the recession, you know.