Joe Barton (probably a PetroChina shareholder)

In the wake of China’s largest ever oil spill, which has seen 400,000 gallons of petroleum spread over 165 miles of water as of Thursday, Texas Congressman Joe Barton (R – Arlington) issued a public apology to PetroChina, whose joint venture with the Port of Dalian owns and operates the pipelines damaged in last weekend’s blast.

Barton spoke at an unscheduled press conference at the Krispy Kreme donut shop in Dupont Circle. The following was transcribed from amateur video taken by Ulysses X. Gosprin, an industrial diver from Moab, Utah vacationing in D.C., who caught Barton on tape:

I’m speaking now totally for myself. I’m not speaking for the Republican Party, I’m not speaking for anybody in the House of Representatives, I’m not speaking for anyone in this donut shop but myself.

But I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation, um, State-owned, or whatever those Commanists have over there . . . could be subjected to such treatment from the attorney general of the United States.

This kind of behavior is unprecedented in our nation’s history, it’s got no legal standing, and it sets, I think, a terrible precedent for the future … There is no question that PetroChina is liable for the damages. But they have a due process system over there, I think . . . or they should anyway . . . where they go through hearings, in some cases court cases, litigation, and determine what those damages are and when those damages should be paid.

So I’m only speaking for myself, I’m not speaking for anybody else, especially not that fat guy over by the counter eating that apple fritter, but I apologize. I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong, he’s subjected to some sort of political pressure. So I apologize.

Asked to comment on Barton’s statement, a deputy spokesman at the Justice Department admitted that one of its summer interns, Jasmine Hu, had sent a short message on Twitter the previous day about the oil spill:

?, ???. Parents live in Dalian. Hope gov’t punish responsible

Ms. Hu was immediately fired.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, calling Barton’s words “shameful,” hit back quickly:

What is shameful is that Joe Barton seems to have more concern for big corporations that caused this disaster than the fishermen, small business owners and communities whose lives have been devastated by the destruction. I’m assuming that they have small businesses over there in China, but I’m not sure . . . uh, let me get back to you on that. Anyway, members of both parties should refudiate his comments.

Senator Charles Schumer (D – NY) told a Fox News reporter that Barton’s comments “Are complete nonsense. I should point out, though, that we wouldn’t even be in this position if China wasn’t manipulating its currency.” He later added, “Is this going to be on TV?”

In light of Barton’s previous apology to Tony Hayward, CEO of BP, which furthered stereotypes that the GOP is too cozy with big business and big oil, the GOP immediately distanced itself from Barton’s second apology.

Asked what his reaction was to Barton’s statement, Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said “Barton? Oil company? He was wrong to say that, totally wrong.”

Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA) said that although he personally disagreed with Barton on this issue, he understood his frustration. “The American people are getting fed up with this kind of thing from the Obama Administration, and it’s time for a change.”

GOP Representative Joe Wilson (R – SC) was characteristically blunt: “He lies!”

Economist and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman noted during an interview on the Rachel Maddow show that the Dalian oil spill was further evidence of the dangers of lax regulatory standards.

The Chinese need tougher rules here, but uh, the silver lining here is that the cleanup efforts will inject more demand into the economy and bolster Chinese consumption. And everyone wants that.

Disclaimer: Some of the facts and statements quoted above may be inaccurate. Well . . . most of them really. To be honest, pretty much everything, although I think I spelled the names right.