Light posting today due to a personal crisis: I need to move in a couple of weeks. To make matters worse, the Beijing housing market is in a state of complete denial, with rental prices going through the roof.

When we last left our reluctant hero, he and his wife were living in a two bedroom apartment in Shuangjing (sort of South East Beijing). For those of you from California, note that I did not say “South Central Beijing,” which as you might guess is crawling with gang members and suffering from perennial riots, or probably will be in a few years. No, this is South East Beijing, a completely different animal.

Anyway, our hero was attacked a couple of days ago without warning (well, by a phone call, actually) by the evil landlord, a woman with no moral compunctions whatsoever. Sure, the Beijing property market is in turmoil, but was that sufficient excuse for a 42% rent increase? Just because that seems to be the going rate these days, what with the growing horde of folks that have given up (for the moment) on buying property and have been forced back into the rental market, is that really a good enough excuse for gouging our hero?

I think not. So, armed with little more than an Internet connection, a mobile phone, and the assistance of nearly every dishonest rental agent in the city, our intrepid, soon-to-be-homeless warrior ventured forth into the polluted, sauna-like conditions of The City to fight the good fight.

It was a rough couple of days, folks. We started with what we thought were reasonable expectations: pay a little more for the same size apartment in the same neighborhood. We quickly found out that this was a pipe dream, and we would have to compromise on either location, price, or quality. It was a humbling experience, not to mention frustrating. The market is churning at such a fast pace that were literally saw prices for the same unit moving up during a 24-hour period. Not fun at all. Makes one desperate.

We were all set on grabbing a place this morning and were happy that the horrific journey was finally coming to an end. My wife had scoped out a two bedroom unit yesterday and had even taken some photos, which I thought looked fine. We showed up early this morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed (to the extent I am able to do that sort of thing) to talk to the peasant owner before any other early birds could swoop in and grab that particular worm.

By the way, I say “peasant” with the utmost respect and affection. He was a lovely man (years ago, when he had teeth) that drove a hard bargain, but at least he was willing to throw in the goat that was living in the bathtub for free. Bonus! As he explained, it not only eats your garbage, but it gives you melamine-free milk on a daily basis.

We ultimately passed on that place. Loved the old guy and the apartment was fine, but it was a bit pricey, and in an attempt to break the ice, the goat told an anti-Semitic joke. Kinda soured the deal right there.

So by noon, both of us were depressed and getting even more desperate. Should we start looking in Tianjin? What about that studio apartment next door to a brothel (I was willing to make that sacrifice)? As long as the cockroaches still run away from you when you approach them, isn’t that an acceptable balance of power in an apartment?

These were tough issues to hash out, and we were out of beer. Luckily for us, some kid at a rental agency called us up and asked us to see one more apartment in a compound ten minutes (by foot) from where we live now. I was skeptical since the landlord was asking for 12 months’ rent up front. By the way, I am not kidding — 12 months paid in advance, plus one month deposit. Did I mention that the market is a bit wacky these days?

Long story short. This place wasn’t bad at all. It was a bit trashed from the previous tenants (a couple of Americans, apparently — nice going, assholes), but we’re going to repaint. Moreover, we talked the landlord down in price, and of course we’re not going to pay 12 months in advance.

All in all, it could have been a lot worse. In the end, in the midst of this meshugge market, we will still be living in a decent two bedroom apartment in Shuangjing, still within staggering distance from my favorite dispensary of alcoholic beverages (The Brick) and were only hit with a 20% hike in rent.

I’m emotionally exhausted. Blogging about anything of consequence is absolutely out of the question, although this stream of consciousness crap is quite easy.

Don’t worry. I will not be updating you with further tales of my apartment. China Hearsay has never been, and never will be, that kind of blog.