Ah, back to one of my favorite topics. I don’t want to get all Safire on your ass or anything, but another reason to really hate the anti-porn campaign here in China is that it allows reporters to further mangle the English language, solidifying some very poor lexical choices.

For example, the latest announcement from the Supreme People’s Court:

An official from the Supreme People’s Court clarified Friday that the crackdown on pornography on mobile phones targets those who “sext” to the public, not to each other.

OK, good to know. But do we really have to use the term “sext” to convey that information? Sure it’s a nice short word, and therefore much more efficient than “sexually explicit short message sent by mobile device.” I get that, I really do. But consider the lexis here and the collateral grammar damage.

First, we have the unfortunate use of the term “sex” itself. I got over this one a number of years ago, but remember that back in a more simple time, we used to say “sexual relations,” as in “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” A polite, almost innocent phrase, “sexual relations” suggests a meaningful relationship, or at the very least, a dinner and a movie was involved before the individuals in question got down to the business at hand. Or mouth. Or groin. Whatever.

Contrast this with “sex,” a lifeless word that takes the imagination down dark alleyways where proles hopped up on hormones hump away up against grimy, soot-covered brick walls, desperately trying to get their minds off their drab, Dickensian existence. It’s all so vulgar and cheap.

To make matters worse, we have the fictional verb “to text.” I don’t know about you, but I was taught that “text” was a noun, meaning words, the body of a manuscript, etc. You can’t just take a noun and pretend it’s suddenly a verb, that violates the laws of time and space. Doing the opposite is permissible — that’s a gerund, and the practice is officially sanctioned by the grammar deities.

Taking the vulgar term “sex” and marrying it to the lexical abomination that is the “verb” text results in the Lovecraftian monstrosity “sext,” a hideous manifestation of modern English that should be locked away in the lexical equivalent of an eldritch tomb (even better if the tomb is noisome, covered in ichor (or squamous), in a cyclopean graveyard). Makes my skin crawl just to think about it.

To be fair, use of these terms in China-based English publications is understandable. The editors and writers are simply taking the lead from Western sources. And I’m not so rigid as to suggest the imposition of a draconian and never-changing dictionary to be overseen by some sort of English-language Ordnungsdienst.

That might be taking things a bit too far. That being said, there should be some limits on quick adoption of new language that offends the natural order of things.

Oh yeah, and you can stop worrying so much about sexting. The court said you wouldn’t get arrested or anything.

OK, be patient with me on this one. It’ll take a minute for this argument to develop. First, a new report on genetically modified food:

Chinese food and agricultural experts said no evidence has proved genetically-modified crops are unsafe for people and the environment.

Huang Dafang, director of Biotechnology Research Institute under the Chinese Academy of Agricultural Sciences, said Friday that the genetically-modified crops are of great significance to the sustainable development of agriculture and China’s competitiveness in global arena.

“It could help increase the output to ease the food supply strain caused by the shrinking of farmland,” Huang said.

China has been interested in GM crops for a long time from a food security standpoint. At the rate that arable farmland is being parceled off to developers at rock bottom prices to build much needed {cough, cough, bullshit, cough} shopping malls. luxury condos, cement factories and hotels, someone better start figuring out a way to grow wheat off of concrete.

The U.S. has been in the GM food biz for decades. The big trade obstacle has been the EU, which has insisted that the WTO allows them to block “frankenfood” when it fails to meet reasonable hygiene/safety standards. The science behind all of this is highly debatable of course. This has led to some very entertaining WTO case law, giving students countless hours of fun trying to unravel the logic of rulings from panels and appellate decisions — such fond memories.

The U.S. would love to export GM food to the EU. China is looking to move into GM food in a big way. You can be sure that if they get really good at it (i.e. develop some valuable patents) in the future, they will want to export as well. And why not? Doesn’t everyone secretly want to eat frankentofu and steamed genetically-modified-pork buns?

So here’s the idea. GM food presents common ground for the U.S. and China, and it also comes with a common enemy, the EU. What more do you need?

I can see it now: joint US-China conferences on the benefits of GM food (sponsored by Monsanto and ADM, natch), renewed calls for the intractable Europeans to recognize the “good science” that says GM food is safe, dueling Op/Eds in People’s Daily and the New York Times about how GM food is a marvel of modern science destined to feed the world’s hungry.

It’ll be beautiful, man. The yellow man and the pasty white man will once again sit together at a metaphorical campfire and sing Kumbaya. I’m choking up just thinking about the brotherhood and all that crap.

Look, China and the US have some sizable disagreements on some very important global issues at the moment.

Solidarity and amicable relations are important. A “trust building” issue needs to be found, and quickly. For better relations, the GM food issue is tailor made (well, poor choice of words there at the end, but you get my point).

So I’m sitting here reading story after story about giant pandas coming back to China from the U.S. and lamenting (for the first time, I think) the PRC’s strict laws against owning firearms. I’m about ready to eat a bullet, folks.

It’s not that I hate pandas. I recall going to see the little panda cub at the D.C. zoo a few years ago. Cute little bastard.

(Note: I use the term “bastard” in the strict sense as I do not believe that the cub’s parents were, in fact, married at the time he was born. Despite the fears of American conservatives, panda marriage has yet to be legalized in the United States.)

I am slightly bored by the ungodly number of articles written about the pandas, though, including the hopelessly cute revelation that one or more will be tutored in Chinese upon arrival here. Within weeks, no doubt, its language skills will be better than mine. Nice to know.

In my spare time today, I’ve been able to catch up on the cess pool that is the U.S.-China bilateral relationship. You know, I’ve been writing about that topic for a number of years now, and it’s suddenly popular. Apparently my writing peaked a few years too early.

I might mention something in a subsequent post about the trade dispute over U.S. chicken parts. New development but old story, so we’ll see if the spirit moves me.

So was today entirely boring? Not quite. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out the following puzzle. Imagine you are a tourist from Shenyang (in the Northeast, also known as the Pittsburgh of China) coming to Beijing during Spring Festival with three school-age kids in tow. You only have a limited number of days to spend here — where do you go?

I have no beef with several choices, including the Great Wall, Tiananmen Square and Tian Tan. I would add the Summer Palace and the Forbidden City to the short list.

The person in question says no need to go to the Summer Palace or Forbidden City. They’d rather see the Bird’s Nest and Huanlegu amusement park (a/k/a Happy Valley). I’m just trying to wrap by brain around those choices. I got nothing, and I’m frying synapses at a rate that usually accompanies ingestion of copious amounts of Tequila.

Granted, I’m a shitty tourist even under the best of circumstances. But Huanlegu instead of the Forbidden City? For shame!

Keep in mind that this tourism issue was the high point of my Saturday. This should tell you something about my social life.

Have a nice weekend.